The most random thoughts youll ever read
Jan 28th 2010
Thinking a lot about my situation. All the people who have abandoned me. The songs Ive written. Some how I feel no one will ever hear these songs I write, or even care for that matter. Im so scattered brained and sleepy and kinda drunk. Incredibly full. I forced myself to eat tonight cause I never get hungry anymore. So many fucked up things. A million thoughts a minute. Smoking cigarettes hasn't done what I needed it to (fill the void). I expected it to give me the sense of self. Like It usually does but I cant feel anything but the pain of my throat and what its gonna make me feel like tomorrow when I wake up.
Senseless bullshit my mother puts me through. The sly comments. Things that have no relevenace, just blame. Just blame for things that are completely outta my control. I interact with her just like she interacts with me. I think shes afraid of herself. I think shes afraid of me. What do you do to those you fear? Find a way to bring them down of course.
My brother suggested that I should just bow down and accept it because Im moving to Florida in a few months. At some point I wont have to go through it anymore. But its that anymore part that seems to be the hardest to get past. Shell never let me be. Shell never just be o.k. shell always want to seek and destroy me.
I may end up being homeless at some point in my life. I never knew it could happen to me but I can feel it. In my journey to become sucsessfull. To move past the fact that I was taken out of High School without my concent. The fact that Im a lesbian and half black/ native american. (50% both sides) Ive had such a hard time dealing with being mistaken for Indian or pakistani or any other middle eastern race you can think of. The hands in my hair....the questions..the quriousity of my race. Cant I just be myself? Cant I just be me? Will they always be a factor?
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